What is Emotion Coaching? A guide for parents

Emotion Coaching is a parenting technique developed by Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist known for his research on emotional intelligence and relationships. The core of Emotion Coaching is the idea that emotions—both positive and negative—are not just things to be managed or “fixed,” but opportunities for learning. By helping children name, express, and regulate their emotions, we can teach them how to deal with stress in a healthy way.

The key to Emotion Coaching is not just helping children cope, but also understanding and validating their emotional experiences. When children feel heard and understood, they’re better able to process their emotions, which in turn makes them more resilient when future stress arises. Below, we look at how you can implement Emotion Coaching in your every day family life.

How Emotion Coaching Helps Children Manage Stress

Stress is something we all encounter, but it’s often especially challenging for children who are still learning how to navigate the world of emotions. Here’s how Emotion Coaching can help build healthy stress responses:

1. Labeling Emotions

One of the first steps in Emotion Coaching is teaching children to identify and label their emotions. Stress can often feel overwhelming, and young children may not have the vocabulary to express what they’re feeling. When they can recognise and name their emotions, they gain a sense of control over them.

For example, instead of simply saying, “Don’t be upset,” you might say, “I can see that you’re feeling frustrated right now because things didn’t go as you expected.” By putting words to their emotions, you help children understand what they’re experiencing and reduce the intensity of the feeling. This is the first step in learning how to manage stress.

 

2. Validating Feelings

Children often struggle with stress because they feel like their emotions are too big or out of control. By validating their feelings, you show them that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling, no matter how intense it seems. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with the behaviour but it does mean acknowledging that the emotion itself is real and important.

For instance, if a child is upset because they can’t find their favourite toy, instead of brushing it off by saying, “It’s not a big deal,” try saying, “I understand you’re feeling upset because you really wanted to play with that toy. It’s frustrating when things don’t go as we plan.”. When children feel like their emotions are accepted rather than dismissed, they’re more likely to manage their stress in healthier ways, feeling less isolated or ashamed of their feelings.

 

3. Modelling Calmness

One of the most powerful tools for managing stress is modelling calm, positive coping strategies. Children learn a lot by observing the behaviour of adults in their lives. When they see you handling stress calmly and thoughtfully, they are more likely to imitate these behaviours.

For example, if something stressful happens—a frustrating work situation or a personal problem—use it as an opportunity to model emotional regulation. You might say, “I’m feeling stressed right now, but I’m going to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down.” By demonstrating these healthy coping strategies, you give your children a blueprint for handling stress on their own.

 

4. Problem-Solving Together

Emotion Coaching is not just about labelling and validating emotions; it’s also about teaching children how to solve problems when stress arises. Once a child has expressed and processed their emotions, it’s time to help them think through the situation and come up with a solution. This builds their confidence and problem-solving skills, which can significantly reduce stress in future situations.

For example, if a child is stressed about an upcoming test, you might help them make a study plan or practice relaxation techniques. By working together to find solutions, you not only reduce their immediate stress but also give them tools to manage stress in the future.

 

Why This Matters During Stress Awareness Week

This week in Stress Awareness Week, it’s a perfect time to reflect on how we approach stress—both as adults and as role models for children. While we can’t eliminate stress from our lives, we can equip children with the tools they need to handle it effectively.

By practicing Emotion Coaching, we help children build emotional intelligence, resilience, and a positive relationship with their feelings. These are skills that will serve them well throughout their lives, making them more capable of managing stress and thriving despite it.

As we recognise Stress Awareness Week, let’s commit to creating environments where children feel safe to express their emotions and learn the tools they need to manage stress effectively. Together, we can help the next generation grow into resilient, emotionally intelligent individuals who can face challenges with confidence and composure.

Heidi offers one to one support to talk parents through the emotion coaching process. Email us at hello@positivelyparenthood.com for more information.